An Open Letter to My Five Year Old Daughter

Dear Ate Cassey,

I know things are hard now.

For more almost seven months, you and your younger sister had to get by your days without Mommy and Daddy. The radical change in our life -- Daddy’s sudden critical health condition and Mommy leaving to take care of Daddy -- almost consumed your happy heart.

For the first few months, you and your sister have cried yourselves to sleep. Mommy cried many sleepless nights too.

 On our first Christmas away from each other, you got sick. You were vomiting and throwing up all that you took in-- even water. We thought you had another infection but thank God your lab results were normal. You got better after Mama and Titaw talked to you. You did not know what you were feeling. We did not know either. It was only after counseling that we realized that you were so sad. And that was your body’s reaction to sadness.

Your younger sister is sad, too. She is just two and could not understand her feelings. Our sweet baby started whining and shouting. She started throwing tantrums if she can’t get what she wants or if someone did not understand what she wants. If only Mommy was there, a hug would have made everything better.

Things are hard but you are born fighters.

I thank God that you and your younger sister are blessed with resilient hearts. That even if you cry at night, you were able to survive every day with grace and a smile. At a very young age, you are fighters of your own battle.

I am proud that despite Mommy and Daddy’s absence, you still went to school and performed well. You could have made excuses or just cried but you knew that you must get up every day and read and write even if Mommy is not there to drop you to school and Daddy’s not there to fetch you. This experience has taught you a very important lesson. You learned how to compartmentalize your feelings and how to get things done even if you are hurting—even if a great part of your heart is missing.  

Mommy is so happy that even though you fight sometimes, your love for your sister and sense of responsibility as big sister deepened.

Whatever happens in the future, know that you and your sister are one of the reasons why Daddy keeps on fighting… why Mommy is not giving in. Next to God, you are our strength.

Remember that Daddy loves you. That he did everything he can for you.

Remember your happy times together. How you grew up with him through Skype. How he watched every milestone away from you because he wanted to provide the best for you. How he tried to teach you how to ride a bike and how to swim.  How he taught you to respect and obey Mommy while keeping you beside him whenever I am mad. He never wanted you to get hurt but he made sure that you understand why some things upset Mommy and why should you avoid doing those things again.

Remember how you ate with daddy. How he fed you when you didn’t want to eat on your own.  How you would always give a bite to him of whatever you were eating. Remember how he would always let you buy ice cream when he fetched you from school. Remember how you felt the first time you entered an ice cream house and how we always ate there during daddy’s vacation since then. 

Always remember that you are Daddy’s princesses. You will still have your tea party when Daddy gets better. Remember how he read you stories before we go to sleep. Soon it will be your turn to read stories for Daddy.

Do not forget daddy’s last vacation when you were four. We went to Subic where you swam and you watched Godzilla with Daddy. He was so happy. He told me he likes Godzilla because you were squeezing yourself to him and hiding in his arms every time Godzilla attacked in the movie. It is the very same reason why you like watching such movies and dinosaurs. It’s the reason why you have an inclination for these creatures.

Do not forget the details, Anak.  Always share your stories with your younger sister so that she will know Daddy like you do. Do not forget your memories together, because what Daddy cannot remember, we will retell.

We are coming home.

Daddy will be a little different. We will take care of him. What he cannot reach, we will get for him. What he cannot see, we will describe and illustrate to him. What he cannot do by himself, we will help him. Where he cannot go, we will try to take him. We will teach him of things he has forgotten. We will reintroduce ourselves to him. Mommy believes that what the mind forgets the heart remembers. For sure Daddy’s heart will recognize you—both of you. After all, you are his princesses. Mommy is certain that he recognizes your voice every time you call. You are his strength. He is fighting because he wants to come back to both of you.

Do not worry. 

By God’s grace and with His guidance, Mommy will always be here for all of you. Mommy will guide you and love you. Mommy will be here for Daddy, too. Mommy will teach and show you and your younger sister how to love and take care of Daddy unconditionally. Whenever you are uncertain, Mommy will be here to hug you and to comfort you. To tell you that it will be ok… that we will all be fine.

We are still in the toughest battle of our lifetime.

It is hard but the LORD OUR GOD will sustain us. He has been sustaining us. He will guide all of us as we get through this journey together. We will be patient and wait until GOD leads Daddy back to us.  Until then, Daddy will be our baby.  We will love him, take care of him, and protect him like he did to you and to your sister… like he did to us.

“Let us all be confident that we will see God’s goodness while we are in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.”

Psalm 27:13-14

Love,

Mommy

PS.

I thank God for you and your sister, for Daddy’s life, for the people who are taking care of you, for Mommy’s strength, and for the people who are helping us. To God be the glory.

Missing Piece

Yesterday, Baba Tera Miah, the patient on Bed 2 transferred to another unit. He is Bangladeshi and just started his speech therapy. He is still on trial for the speech valve.

When I arrived in our room from the Social Worker's office, they were already preparing him for transfer. He called me,"Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk," and asked his nurse to tell me that he is transferring to another unit. He was smiling but his eyes were sad.

I smiled at him too. But when I asked the nurse to tell him that we are going home to the Philippines soon, I was crying. I was crying because maybe that's our goodbye.

For a few months, Glenn and Baba Taramiah shared the same room.

I've called the nurses for him if he wanted or needed something.

He showed me how to be brave. How to face whatever life gives you. And how not to stop trying.

When he first arrived in our room,  he was conscious, ventilated, paralyzed from waist down, and his hands were barely moving. On the first few days he would point me to the door (by facial gestures and head turn) when he catches me looking at him. He does not want staring. No one does.

The first time his son visited, I saw him crying while talking on the phone to, probably, his wife.

He had seen me cried a lot, too.

Through the days he started waving. He started smiling.

I was surprised the first time he smiled at me. It was like, "Wow! Seriously, that's for me?"

And from that day, I would always greet him good morning when I arrive and wave or salute before I go at night.

And yesterday... that was one sad wave of goodbye.

When GOD Says "Akong Bahala"

It is hard to surrender. It took months before I finally had the courage to surrender to God. I never stopped praying. I was praying to God, but I was too scared to surrender. I never mentioned “Your will be done.” In my prayers, I would lift up everything to the Lord -- everything, including Glenn’s healing. But in between prayers I would cry. I was too scared. I was too scared to surrender him to God, thinking that surrendering would mean death. I wasn’t ready to let him go. I am not preparing to let him go.  I am preparing for his healing.

Slowly, God has taught me to trust Him. Since the incident, He never failed to show His love for me, for our family. I still remember that day at the Qatar Embassy in the Philippines when my visa was stamped. He used the guard and the staff to bless me. And from then on, there was not a day that I wasn’t blessed. But still, I was too scared. I was too consumed by our situation, I was fluctuating from trusting and fearing.

He never stopped calling me, though. He has always asked me to trust Him. And it just happened, after crying my heart out to Him on February 14, 2017,  I woke up with a light heart. There was this certainty that He will answer my prayers in time. My heart is confident that He is healing Glenn and that he will be healed. I just have to trust GOD with our family's future. I couldn't explain how and why, but I decided to embrace that feeling and stop analyzing.

Since then, I focused in our blessings and entrust to God those that are beyond my understanding and control. We are still struggling. I still feel pain, but all uncertainties I lift up to him.

The difference? When two children skin their knees, both of them will cry and feel the pain. But  the trusting one will believe that her mother's kiss will heal her knees while the scared one would believe that a train will come out of hers.


Today, let me share with you my experience last April 6, 2017. These are some of the countless blessings and evidences of God's love for us.

“I will praise You, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things You have done.”

Psalm 9.1

MORNING PRAYER

“I surrender this day to You Lord God. May all my desires, plans, and activities be according to Your will.”

HOW MY DAY WENT

The morning passed as usual. The time at the hospital flew very fast. With all of the things that happened, I did not notice the time until the catering staff brought in lunch.

While taking my lunch, I was thinking and praying that hopefully, the birth certificates of our kids be released earlier today, after lunch, so that I can still submit the documents at the Philippine Embassy within the day. That was 11:30 AM.

At 12:07 PM, as I brushed my teeth, my phone rang and Yes Lord, the birth certificates were already available and Kuya Boyet, the agent that helped me with the certificates, was on his way to deliver it. Thank You, Lord.

I kissed Glenn's forehead, endorsed him to his Nurse, and rushed to the lobby with all my stuff. I intend to go straight to the Embassy once I receive the documents. While talking to Kuya Boyet, I remembered I didn’t have the updated medical certificate yet, so I went upstairs to Ms. Alma to get the signed medical report.

When I reached her office door, it was closed. I looked at my watch – 12:30 PM. Only then I thought that it was probably lunch time. Someone in the hallway noticed me standing in front of the door and told me, “Maybe just 5 minutes.”

I said, “Thank you.”  Then I uttered “Lord, please...” and took my phone to send her a message.  I wasn’t done with the message yet when Ms.  Alma came out to get water. Thank You, Lord.

After a few minutes, she gave me the updated medical record and told me that they are already communicating with TMC Hospital.  She told me “AKO NA ANG BAHALA. I-C-Cc kita.” (I will take care of this. I’ll furnish you a copy.) Thank You, Lord.

Then I went straight to the Philippine Embassy for the stamping of the affidavit together with all of the attachments. I reached there at past 1:00 PM. The staff at the processing desk told me that she will verify first if they still need to stamp the documents individually. When she came back, she told me that the Vice-Consul said that it is ok. They will stamp each of the four documents, and that I don’t need to pay anything. She instructed me to just wait at the releasing area for my name to be called. Thank You, Lord.

After receiving the stamped documents, I called Kuya Boyet and asked for the directions on how to go to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. He gave me instructions and said that the office will resume at 3:00 PM. At 2:55 PM, I am already inside a car lift on the way to Najma. Thank You, Lord.

I reached the Government Services Office in Najma at 3:30 PM. I lined up the queue and the staff at the releasing of numbers actually freaked out when he saw me. I did not understand what he told me but I’m sure it’s something close to “Why are you here? What are you doing here? Guard! Guard!  Why is she here?” He gave me a number anyway. Thank You, Lord.

When the guard came rushing in, I initially thought he would escort me outside the building. I held on my number tightly as he guided me to the FEMALE WAITING AREA.  Only then, that I realized why the staff freaked out: I LINED UP AT THE MALE AREA. “I’m sorry, Brother, my sincerest apology.”

At 3:40 PM, I was already in the queue at the female waiting area. Thank You, Lord.

By 3:54 PM, I was done with the stamping. Before paying, the staff told me, “We don’t accept cash here, only card.  Ask someone to help you.”  And there she was Lord, your help. I asked her if she can pay for me using her card and that  I’ll  just give her my payment. She gladly helped. Thank You, Lord.

When I came out of the building to go back to the hospital, I stayed in the shade for a while and decided to observe someone who is also about to go. I still didn’t know where is the proper loading site. After 5 minutes of observing, he didn’t have a taxi yet, I decided to walk to the street in front, and as I reach the edge of the pavement,  there it was, a car lift dropping off a Kabayan, Filipino, at MOFA. The Kabayan driver saw me and asked if I need a ride. What else can I say?

Thank You, Lord.

Thank You for sending so many people today to help me accomplish my task for the day. Thank You that when I came back in the hospital, at 4:30 PM Glenn was still sleeping. And still,

Thank You for sending so many good people in our life as tangible evidence of Your love.

And truly, when You say, 

“HUWAG KANG MAG-ALALA, AKONG BAHALA.*”  

You really mean

 “AKONG BAHALA!**” 

“The eyes of the Lord search the whole Earth, in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.”

-2 Chronicles 16:9

*Huwag kang mag-alala. Ako ang bahala. – Don’t worry, I will take care of everything. 

**Ako ang bahala – I will take care of everything; I will take charge; I’m on this

Who's Hug Would Be Enough?

Who can substitute a mother?
Who can fill in her spot?
For an aching child
Whose hug would be enough?

Three generations of intertwined fate*
Each one is yearning for that familiar embrace.
For a longing mother and for her aching child
Whose hug would be enough?

*Grandmother, mother/father, grandchild

     *Don't get me wrong. I am thankful to everyone who is taking care of our children.
      I will be forever grateful to all of you.
      It's just that sometimes, our situation is too much for their little hearts.

Bless them with resilient hearts Lord.
Bless them with Your grace to face every day with a smile.

Do Not Worry

This is the view from Glenn's hospital window every afternoon. Every day, a patient or a patient's relative come to this part of the hospital and feed the birds. 

This is a comforting example of God's love and provision. He uses His creations to bless His other creations. We need not worry about our daily needs because God provides even before we ask. 

Do Not Worry

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

31 “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ 32 These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.33 Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:25-34

Prayer 

Lord, thank You for sending a line up of people to help us even before we ask. Thank You for sustaining us with all of our needs; physical, emotional, intellectual, financial and spiritual to get through every day. We lift our future to You, Lord God. Use our life, for Your glory. In Jesus' name. Amen.

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." -1 Peter 5:7

Last night until this morning, I  was blessed in an almost impossible way.

Every night I go home from the hospital at around 9:00 PM by taking a taxi/karwa. Not the booked ones but only those who happen to pass by and get passengers on their way.

Last night, before I get off, I asked the driver if he wants kubos, and gave him a plastic of several pieces of kubos, slice bread, spreads and 2 packs of fruit juices, all from the hospital ration. He said,  "Thank you," and I went off.

I made my usual night routine and the morning preparations passed as usual. 

But as I grabbed my things, ready to go to the hospital, I realized something was missing. 

Where is my envelope? Don't tell me I've lost it? 

I rechecked all possible places. I even checked the bathroom and the trashcan and the chairs outside the unit. None.

As the panic slowly crept into my stomach with the thoughts of losing ALL IMPORTANT documents, I took a deep breath and literally kneel down to pray.

"Lord, I don't know how. How can I find it, how can you give it back to me or where to even start searching. It's in the taxi for sure, but I don't have the driver's number. I don't remember his plate number, not even his face. (And tried to remember his chinky eyes when he said thank you.) I surrender Lord God. Please, please give it back."

Then I thought of Ms. Alma, the case managers, Ate Me Ann, the embassy... Where and to whom will I ask for help?

I took my phone and saw two missed calls around 10:42 PM last night. With sweaty hands, pounding heart, and tear-streaked face, I called back. 

When he answered, "Hello?" I felt a relief and told him, "Good morning, Brother. You are the taxi driver last night, right? I forgot my envelope in your taxi. Where can I find you?"

"Yes," he answered in a calm voice, opposite of mine. " I give it to the Philippine boy near your house," he added.

"You gave it back last night?" I confirmed. "In our area? Ok I'll call you again later. Thank you very much."

I rushed down, but still thinking to whom was it given? I thought of knocking to the other Pinoy tenants on the ground floor but decided to knock at the land lord's assistant first. He is Indian - I think.

As he opened the door, the words were racing out of my mind and my mouth, "Good evening, I mean,  Good morning. Did someone give an envelope here last night?"

"The file?" He asked as he pointed to my envelope.

"Yes. That's mine." I said with relief.

I uttered a very short,"Thank You po Lord," as he turned his back to get the envelope.

"What number are you?" He verified.

"My number?" I asked. 

 He said, "Unit."

"Ah. 3rd floor, Kuya Marvin." I answered.

He said, "Marvin, ok."  and he gave me the file.

"Thank you." I replied.

I was already crying in the elevator.

I prayed and cried to God just thanking Him and immersing in awe of His ways.

After praying and giving thanks, I called the taxi driver again and thank him. I told him it's really very important to me and I'm just thankful. He told me he came back in the area last night but no one was there. He was calling, there were two numbers, but no one was answering, so he just gave it to one of the houses (unit). I thanked him again and said, "God bless."

He said thank you too and I can visualize his chinky eyes as he said so.

How he got my number? I haven't figure out yet. I don't have time to analyze what just happened. I don't have the brains and the heart to analyze how it happened. But one thing is for sure: nothing can stop God from blessing us and kindness receives kindness.  

For a plastic of several pieces of kubos, slice bread, spreads and 2 packs of fruit juices, all from the hospital ration, I was given back the envelope that contains seven months of documents and proofs that will, perhaps, affect our future forever.

Of course, I can start over and request everything from scratch. Probably 3 months would be enough to complete every page of it, but God gave it back overnight with a firm reminder:

"Kindness receives kindness. There is NOTHING impossible for me to do, but it will be better to always keep your presence of mind even when the waves are rising."

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." -1 Peter 5:7

*variable, non routinary activities, like washing, ironing of clothes, ect.