Looking Back
I’ve started writing the letter in June 2016 in preparation for our first church wedding anniversary which was on September 26, 2016. I’ve finished the letter on September 23, just before we went out of town for my father’s birthday. We were on Skype when I finally finished the letter. I told Glenn I’m done with my letter and asked him if he wants to read it three days earlier than schedule. But then, I changed my mind and told him we’ll just wait for our anniversary because it was supposed to be a surprise.
Yes, September 26, 2016, was our first church wedding anniversary, and it is by far, the biggest surprise of our life.
Keeping The Lights On
Since you went away
I miss you so much and I don't know what to say
I should be over you
I should know better but it's just not the case
It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours
Since you went away"
No, this is not a sad love song or a heartbreaking love story. But yes, it’s been 10 months 6 days and 2 hours since you left. I and the kids miss you so much. We thank God for you.
Being away from each other is both a sacrifice and a blessing to our relationship. We’ve been married for 6 years and 17 days and yet we’ve only been physically together for 1 year and 4 months.
Our first 10 months together was when we had our civil wedding and our journey together towards parenthood.
It was hard adjusting with the “real us”—with so many unseen and unknown behaviours – but I personally felt it was harder to adjust to the physical and emotional changes brought about by pregnancy. The eagerness and anticipation for the baby were there but being not in control of my own body and emotion was crazy. For all the cravings and night cries – you were there. I still remember when I cried because you told me you will go out to play basketball so you just watched PBA instead. I also cried when you wanted to attend a class reunion so you ended up consoling me because that was bad for the baby. But when I cried when you wanted to attend a friend's birthday celebration – you got annoyed and went outside our room. You stayed there for hours until I finally conceded and asked you to sleep with me because it was already late for me and the baby. You gave in after asking me to prepare a cup of coffee. Hooray for your first victory!
After nine months our angel came to life. I was quite disappointed because she looked like you. After all the hardships of pregnancy and the pain of labour and giving birth, I felt it would just be fair for her to look like me. Sigh. (This will be a different story.) But I love her just the same. She reminds me of you and I thank God for her life.
Spending the first month of our baby’s life together changed us. It forced us to mature, be more responsible, be more understanding, and be selfless. You had to leave to give her a better future. I was so sad you had to leave but was also convinced that you need to take that opportunity – for yourself and for our family. We had to sacrifice being together for a better life. I’m pretty sure that I will never know, more so describe, the pain of leaving your family for work in a foreign country. I will always admire and thank you for that courage. Again, I thank God for you.
And so you went off and I was left with a month old baby and barely 10 months of experience of being a wife. I do not know with other moms but my emotional stunts decided to stay with me even after giving birth. I was crying most of the time. Her little cries made me feel that I am needed – it was so overwhelming, I cried. It also reminded me that she needs you as much I do – it was disheartening, I cried. And when she made her first few smiles I was so happy, I cried. Every time she was trying to communicate with me, I wished you were there to appreciate her too, and again, I cried. It was and still is a blessing that we both have supportive families. Their love and presence made the struggles of being a working and physically single parent bearable.
Our next month (11th) of being together was when you had an emergency leave because of your father’s untimely death. Our daughter was already two years and a month old then.
As for my feelings towards you – it was like we were starting over. I was too eager to be with you yet a bit shy to show my affection. Parang teenager lang. One time you told me that you’ll get some chairs for your father’s wake and then after five minutes I called you asking where you are. I am still imagining how your face looked like when you answered that call: “Mommy, di ba nagpaalam ako, kukuha kami ng upuan?” Honestly, I forgot about the chairs that time, all I know was that it’s been a while since I saw you…
It was sad that you had to go home because your father died. But when God takes something, He replaces it with something better. In our case, Tatay’s life was replaced with a conception of our new baby! God is great, indeed!
But then again you had to go back to work.
As for me, my pregnancy for our second child was not as easy as the first. I had to be in bed for the first trimester because I bled during those times, and was extended to rest two more months for the same reason. My sugar shoot up too, that I had to be on a strict diet and monitor my blood sugar level six times every day. Though that was six needles daily, I am still thankful that I did not need to take insulin to cure my gestational diabetes.
It was insane to be in bed all the time when I was used to being active. I had to delay my business start-up, Cassey had to stay with Nanay the whole day, Mama and Imee had to take turns in going home for lunch just to feed me and Mama had to clean Cassey at night. I wanted to do those things for me and our daughter but the bleeding would get worse every time I do simple chores so I just obeyed and contend myself to be on the bed.
Finally, our precious second angel came out two weeks sooner than expected.
I still remember the worried look in your eyes when I first opened mine after my natural delivery for our first born. For our second baby, Ate Cassey took your place and it was her concerned and relieved eyes that I first saw after the emergency caesarean section that I have gone through. “Mommy ok ka lang?” were the were the first sweetest words that she uttered when I woke up.
Taking care of our newborn baby was not challenging for me. It is something that comes out naturally. But dividing my time for the new baby and our eldest was hard. I personally feel it was harder for Ate. She was so excited for her baby sister but realized that she could not play and sleep her yet. Her mommy was always with the baby and didn't have time for her anymore. And although I always told her that I love her as much, I still had the guilty feeling that somehow she lost me. Probably it was just the hormones as usual, but I witnessed how she gradually receded from a smart sweet loving child into a dependent but emotionally detached toddler. She was barely three years old then. And no matter how I prepared her and how ready she was before the delivery, the sight of a new baby that she can’t play with, that mommy feeds and sleep with – I guess, was too much for her to understand.
It was a blessing that you came for a vacation. We had a month to adjust to the new set up and most importantly, she had you.
After a while, Ate Cassey got used with the situation and with constant guidance and explanation, she gradually embraced her role as a big sister.
Then you had to go back to work missing a wife and two lovely daughters. ( Insert your experience here.)
A year and three months passed over Viber and Skype before you were given a three-month vacation.
That was about five years after our civil wedding and roughly three weeks before our planned church wedding. It was also your longest vacation to date. You and the kids had time to bond, and that's when they learned that they can always run to Daddy when Mommy says “No.”
On September 9, 2015, we celebrated our fifth civil wedding anniversary. It would have been our church wedding day if not for the conflict with the dates. We went to Subic, ate and took the kids for a swim as it was their only request. That night, you watched Godzilla with Cassey until 1:00 AM. I am sure you enjoyed that movie because she was hiding behind your arms the whole time as you hugged her and shooed Godzilla away. Way to go, Brave Daddy! Now, it is one of her favourite movies other than Jurassic World. Talk about father’s influence.
We had our church wedding on September 26, 2015. They said that the first five to seven years of marriage were the toughest, but we strengthened ours with God’s blessings. Though we only had roughly three weeks after you arrived, I thank you for saying “I do;” for embracing all my flaws and weaknesses; for strengthening me and helping me to become a better version of myself. I love you.
That vacation also was the first time that you were able to celebrate your birthday with us. We had a simple celebration at home, where I baked your favourite custard cake and the kids sang “Happy Birthday to You” and blew your birthday candle.
That was also the first time that we were able to personally give you a gift; a guitar from Mommy, your now favourite watch from Cassey, and a box of tea from Cyrene. You treated them to McDonald's that night where they enjoyed playing more than eating. That weekend you had another celebration in your Aunt’s house where you grew up with your sisters and cousins. Those were simple celebrations that, hopefully, marked in your heart.
It’s been a while since I made you that conceding cup of coffee with cockroach egg (ewe!) We’ve had ups and downs; struggles and wins. I thank God that during trying times, you always choose to stay positive.
One advice given to us prior marriage is that we should not burn out at the same time.
When one light dims, the other one should shine brighter.
Thank you for always keeping the lights on for both of us. Happy first anniversary Daddy.
I love you.
